Romney wins Arizona and Michigan
Ladies and gentleman, Lord Willard Mitt Romney, hailing from Bloomfield, Michigan, narrowly defeats arch nemesis, Duke Richard John Santorum, of Butler, Pennsylvania, in the Arizona and Michigan primaries.
I don't know about you, but I'm longing for an old-fashioned, faith-based leader with traditional values...
In the year 1499, Louis VII, known as the "Father of the People", reigned as King of France. Sharing eerily analogous political policies with several of the GOP candidates of today, Louis VII, forbid homosexuals from entering military duty, staunchly opposed Women's Rights (under Salic law, women weren't allowed to inherit property or title. Such rules contributed to events that later became known as the Hundred Year's War), and opposed the theory of Evolution, in favor of Creationism. This was partially as a result of his Christian beliefs, but mainly because Charles Darwin wasn't born until February 12, 1809.
Whereas today's GOP nominees outline their plans to downsize government and reign in unrestrained defecit spending on a stage in front of a national televised audience, Louis VII, shunned the opportunity to appear on CNN and answer softball questions lobbed from blasphemous homosexual Anderson Cooper.
Louis VII simply, yet effectively, outlined his domestic and foreign policies in the Ordinance of Blois, which extended his own power, as well as the powers of royal judges, in an effort to reign in government corruption. Highly complex French customary laws were to be codified and ratified only by royal proclamation, which, looking back and comparing it to today's innefectual political stalemates, based primarily on self-promotion and partisan gain, opposed to actually attempting to resolve our nations extensive list of problems, doesn't seem so bad.
So maybe we need someone that "severely conservative" to fix the gridlock and incompetence plaguing our own modern political system. But which one of these ass-clowns is the best option? It's so hard to tell.
Watching front-runners Santorum and Romney relentlessly arguing about who does more flip-flopping, and which candidate is more anti-women's right to chose, doesn't seem to be achieving the desired goal of winning over America. They're actually doing quite the opposite.
Remember the good old days when a man insulted another man, they would just settle the dispute and restore their family's honor in a duel?
So Romney won a couple more States, big deal. What does that mean for the hopes of hard-working Republicans who actually hope to defeat Obama in the November election?
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| Reflecting the feelings of many, this young Republican is less than enthusiastic about his party's chances for survival come the November election. |
With a likability percentage hovering around that of terminal childhood Leukemia, the four remaining 2012 GOP candidates seem no closer to victory then they did three months ago... or three years ago for that matter.
But even so, soon the American people will have to make a choice.
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| Like most black people, Morpheus doesn't vote, and therefore cannot make the choice for you. Rather, he leaves the decision to you. |
The Dictatorship of the Bourgeoisie
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| Fag hating, women's rights opposing, round up the beaners, GOP hopefuls... |
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| President Barack Obama, the socialist Antichrist dead set on destroying this country. |
OR
I don't know about you, but I'm having a difficult time figuring out which side I hate the least. And by the least, I mean, which side do I hate 100%, and which side do I hate only 99.999999%. You see, the thing is, I already know that no matter who wins the Presidency, absolutely nothing will change for the better. Let me just take a quick look into my crystal ball to make a few bold predictions about our bleak future...
Let me see...
Ok I've got it.
1st prediction: Gas prices are going to hit $11.00 a gallon by next year. Republican view: Because the pussy liberal Democrats refuse to, both, drill in Alaska, or support the proposed Keystone oil pipeline, gas prices are gonna rise faster than Newt Gingrich's boner on 3 pills of Cialis while drilling wife number #4 (I'm aware he's on wife #3 right now, but we're talking about next year). Plus, gas prices are caused by the instability throughout the Middle East, which is directly caused by Barack Obama's weak foreign policy and proclivity for negotiations and talks instead of occupation and war. This further deteriorates the economy, causing widespread domestic unemployment, while concurrently extinguishing our God-given liberties, threatening the freedom and principles of the every day American people that this great country was founded on. (I should run for office, I'm pretty good at this!)
Democrats view: Because the War mongering Republicans have to appease their nefarious elitist friends, who footed the bill for their election campaign to begin with, backroom deals with oil companies and defense contractors get made to mollify the insatiable appetite of the .000001%, passing off the cost of their greed to the average consumer.
My view: While this may be true, what democrats don't seem to understand is, to keep these job-creating, economy-stimulating, Republican-controlled, multi-billion dollar "Defense" (code for offense) corporations up and running, it takes more than just a few intentional double-bogey's at Pebble Beach and a Ménage à trois in a Las Vegas suite to win over the defense contract from Senators. It takes cold, hard, cash payouts-- but prefferably in Euro's, not that crappy devalued U.S. stuff. Plus, the Saudi Royal family needs a new solid gold toilet in one of the extra bedrooms in their 5,000,000 sq. ft. palace.
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| Narrow-minded Americans only think of themselves when it comes to gas prices. But stop for a moment to consider the needs of Saudi royalty. You don't expect them to poop in a diamond encrusted gold veneer toilet do you? I'm sure you understand, it needs to be solid gold. |
While this might seem shady and unfair to the untrained liberal eye, people need to realize, it's a proven strategy for success (as long as you're in that .0000001%). Once these deals are made, and the "defense" weapons manufactured, you don't expect these state-of-the-art weapons just to sit in a military wherehouse in the desert somewhere and collect dust do you? Not when Fox News statistics clearly show there is no better way to stimulate the economy, create jobs, and keep the old political bearings greased than with a good old fashioned war. So what if we have to defecit spend and print a few trillion more dollars to make it happen? I'm no economist, but money is just paper...right?
And if a few thousand brown people have to die in the process, it's their own fault. They should have chosen to be born somewhere else. Plus, it's a well-established fact (unless you listen to the poisoning rhetoric of the mainstream liberal media), these Muslims were going to grow up and declare a holy-war against us anyways-- we were just preemptively launching an offensive attack, disguising it as a defensive attack, to protect our country against an undeclared offensive attack! Everyone knows that the best way to prevent war-- is to start a war! That's politics 101.
While launching our offensive defensive attack, we must remain careful not to say anything offensive or to offend anyone, because that will get you in big trouble. So when we invade this foreign country with the goal of stimulating our economy and securing our nation, it actually needs to be a preemptive unoffensive defensive offensive against an offensive defensive offense. Did you follow all that? If you didn't, don't worry-- Bush didn't ever quite grasp the concept either.
Who cares anyways? A few thousand more dead Muslims won't even make important enough news to interupt my Season 6 Wife Swap re-runs. I'm personally way more interested in Flavor Flav moving in with a white family than in preserving the architectural integrity of some obscure 3rd world country in some sandy middle-of-nowhere shit-hole. I'm just going to take the government's word at face-value that they probably deserved it.
2nd Prediction: The polar ice-caps will no longer melt-- once they've all melted.
Republican view: What ice-caps?
Democrats view: Scientific data proving the existence of global warming.
My view: Hmm... an interseting arguement by the Republicans on this one, and a tough on to counter-attack-- but I'll give it a whirl!
I personally find it ironic, and a tad insulting, that most Republicans deny the existence of global warming, or, at the very least, downplay its impact and severity to the point of miniscule proportions, claiming that there is no "evidence" of global warming. This coming from the same group of assholes that make "faith-based" decisions on what a woman should do with her own body, or what country God thinks it's ok for us to invade this year, based on what an invisible man floating in the clouds, whom nobody in the history of mankind has ever seen or met, told them to? Opposed to, evidence and scientific data, compiled from people far smarter than any of our politicians, using the latest technology, showing me that CO2 levels are rising at an alarming rate? I don't like to chose sides-- but I'm gonna have to go with the Dems on this one.
3rd Prediction: We will undoubtedly start another war in some far region of the world that nobody in this country gives a shit about, where, at a cost in the Trillions (and paid for by the taxpayers who oppose it), we will be forced to occupy this strange land for decades.
Republican view:
Let's get a concensus by the Republicans on starting a new war on brown people--
As usual, Ron Paul is being a party-pooper, falsely labeling it under the guise of being "fiscally conservative".
Democrats view: War or no war, it doesn't matter as long as it's whatever the opposite of the Republicans take is on this one.
My view: It doesn't matter what I think because I have absolutely no money, therefore I have absolutely no say. All I know is, in this strange and foreign land, more often than not, it is plagued by a Cholera epidemic, wiping out tens of thousands of people, caused by it's uneducated American-hating masses defecating in their own drinking water supply. These masses are most likely not educated enough to write their own names on a piece of paper, yet reproduce at alarmingly high levels, and dedicate their lives to the destruction of America.
If only these people knew, that we already have a full-time group of religious nuts dedicating their lives to the destruction of America-- they're called politicians.
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| Dirka Dirka! Mohammed Jihad! |
However, educated or not, in this strange and foreign land, the average 7 year old can enrich uranium in his parents adobe mud hut, while simultaneously synchronizing a wireless detonator made from plastic Evian water bottles and left-over MRE boxes, courtesy of the United States humane diplomacy efforts.
Stay tuned for more predictions of how screwed we are in part 2....
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